01 July 2008

Sometimes my walls crumble at your feet

Sigh. I have so much in my head these days. So much that I want to write, but I can't get it out. But I end up finding more and more meaning in everything I read--I find a way of correlating songs, my horoscope, random blogs, blurbs in magazines, etc to my little existence. Maybe this is the year of introspection for me. That's good I guess-at least my brain is still putting thoughts together--I just need to kick start them with someone else's.

So, here it is, I've managed to be on this earth for nearly 30 years (Shh! Don't tell anyone I'm that old!) This is causing me to think about who I am, what I've done, what I'm doing, and who I want to be. Yeah, cuz remember back to when you were a kid and you thought that you'd have that all figured out by now-Ha! Then life comes along, takes you on a journey, with some incredible twists and turns that lead you somewhere other than where you expected to be.

And that's not a bad thing. Because, even if I'm not where I expected to be, I'm a better person than I ever could have imagined. I'm not saying I'm perfect by any means, just that I prioritize the people who are important, not the things that aren't. I, in my late 20s finally realized I liked who I was, and learned to be comfortable in my skin, and care less about the superficial thoughts of others. I am just me, no more, no less, maybe not who you expect, but me.

I learned to surround myself with people I am like, and/or want to be like, people who take me for who I am. People who make me want to be a better person. Much better than surrounding myself with people who expect me to act a certain way and live up to their idea of who they think I should be--instead of just paying attention to who I am. People who bring me down to make themselves feel better. Those people are no longer welcome in my life. That said, I know I haven't always made this easy on people. A rare handful truly get to see "me." Maybe it's those who bother to try.

So, with all this introspection, why am I not ready for 30? Well, 29 and I have had a great year. I'm not ready to end it with 29, to stop this dance, just because 30 is tapping on my shoulder. In my 29th year: My kids stopped being babies, and started being little people. I realized I met the love of my life. Fuck. I said it. In public. I will likely now get struck down by lightning. (Yeah, yeah. I met him before I turned 29...we didn't admit any of this "love" bs until much later.) I realized that before now, I have never truly loved anyone. I, after an 8 (or 9?) year sabbatical from school, figured out what I want to do with the rest of my life. (Practice Traditional Chinese Medicine.) And, instead of holding it in front of myself like a far-off dream, I'm figuring out how to do it. That's a step for me. I've started making life happen, instead of letting it happen.

So yeah, 29 has been pretty damn good. I'm not ready for it to stop. Anyway, I figure I have another 5 years of passing for 29.