Wow. I haven't been on here in months. I don't think I have any readers anyway...but I'll post some of my blogs from Myspace later to catch up.
It's just been crazy. I left one job at the end of July, started a new one exactly one month ago today, Peter started school, both kids started new daycare. And with my new job came "Commuter Schedule."
5:30 am wake up. Hah. I really press snooze.
5:45 am really wake up. Shower, get dressed, put backpacks in car.
6:15 am put sleeping children in car
6:30 am drop kids off at their dad's
by 7:03 am get on caltrain
8ish am take Muni from the caltrain station to downtown SF, walk from Muni to my office
8:30 am enter my office.
WORK all day long
5:00 pm leave office, run to Muni station, take Muni to Caltrain
5:33 pm take Caltrain back to SJ
6:40 pm or so-drive to pick up the kids at the sitters
7:00 pm HOME (Finally)
And not like I really get to relax. The kids have homework, snacks, baths, reading, bedtime. I have to iron, make lunches, clean, get kids' backpacks ready...oh and eat. (Luckily the kids eat at the sitters.)
Life. Anyway. I'll blog for reals later.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
11 September 2008
01 July 2008
Sometimes my walls crumble at your feet
Sigh. I have so much in my head these days. So much that I want to write, but I can't get it out. But I end up finding more and more meaning in everything I read--I find a way of correlating songs, my horoscope, random blogs, blurbs in magazines, etc to my little existence. Maybe this is the year of introspection for me. That's good I guess-at least my brain is still putting thoughts together--I just need to kick start them with someone else's.
So, here it is, I've managed to be on this earth for nearly 30 years (Shh! Don't tell anyone I'm that old!) This is causing me to think about who I am, what I've done, what I'm doing, and who I want to be. Yeah, cuz remember back to when you were a kid and you thought that you'd have that all figured out by now-Ha! Then life comes along, takes you on a journey, with some incredible twists and turns that lead you somewhere other than where you expected to be.
And that's not a bad thing. Because, even if I'm not where I expected to be, I'm a better person than I ever could have imagined. I'm not saying I'm perfect by any means, just that I prioritize the people who are important, not the things that aren't. I, in my late 20s finally realized I liked who I was, and learned to be comfortable in my skin, and care less about the superficial thoughts of others. I am just me, no more, no less, maybe not who you expect, but me.
I learned to surround myself with people I am like, and/or want to be like, people who take me for who I am. People who make me want to be a better person. Much better than surrounding myself with people who expect me to act a certain way and live up to their idea of who they think I should be--instead of just paying attention to who I am. People who bring me down to make themselves feel better. Those people are no longer welcome in my life. That said, I know I haven't always made this easy on people. A rare handful truly get to see "me." Maybe it's those who bother to try.
So, with all this introspection, why am I not ready for 30? Well, 29 and I have had a great year. I'm not ready to end it with 29, to stop this dance, just because 30 is tapping on my shoulder. In my 29th year: My kids stopped being babies, and started being little people. I realized I met the love of my life. Fuck. I said it. In public. I will likely now get struck down by lightning. (Yeah, yeah. I met him before I turned 29...we didn't admit any of this "love" bs until much later.) I realized that before now, I have never truly loved anyone. I, after an 8 (or 9?) year sabbatical from school, figured out what I want to do with the rest of my life. (Practice Traditional Chinese Medicine.) And, instead of holding it in front of myself like a far-off dream, I'm figuring out how to do it. That's a step for me. I've started making life happen, instead of letting it happen.
So yeah, 29 has been pretty damn good. I'm not ready for it to stop. Anyway, I figure I have another 5 years of passing for 29.
So, here it is, I've managed to be on this earth for nearly 30 years (Shh! Don't tell anyone I'm that old!) This is causing me to think about who I am, what I've done, what I'm doing, and who I want to be. Yeah, cuz remember back to when you were a kid and you thought that you'd have that all figured out by now-Ha! Then life comes along, takes you on a journey, with some incredible twists and turns that lead you somewhere other than where you expected to be.
And that's not a bad thing. Because, even if I'm not where I expected to be, I'm a better person than I ever could have imagined. I'm not saying I'm perfect by any means, just that I prioritize the people who are important, not the things that aren't. I, in my late 20s finally realized I liked who I was, and learned to be comfortable in my skin, and care less about the superficial thoughts of others. I am just me, no more, no less, maybe not who you expect, but me.
I learned to surround myself with people I am like, and/or want to be like, people who take me for who I am. People who make me want to be a better person. Much better than surrounding myself with people who expect me to act a certain way and live up to their idea of who they think I should be--instead of just paying attention to who I am. People who bring me down to make themselves feel better. Those people are no longer welcome in my life. That said, I know I haven't always made this easy on people. A rare handful truly get to see "me." Maybe it's those who bother to try.
So, with all this introspection, why am I not ready for 30? Well, 29 and I have had a great year. I'm not ready to end it with 29, to stop this dance, just because 30 is tapping on my shoulder. In my 29th year: My kids stopped being babies, and started being little people. I realized I met the love of my life. Fuck. I said it. In public. I will likely now get struck down by lightning. (Yeah, yeah. I met him before I turned 29...we didn't admit any of this "love" bs until much later.) I realized that before now, I have never truly loved anyone. I, after an 8 (or 9?) year sabbatical from school, figured out what I want to do with the rest of my life. (Practice Traditional Chinese Medicine.) And, instead of holding it in front of myself like a far-off dream, I'm figuring out how to do it. That's a step for me. I've started making life happen, instead of letting it happen.
So yeah, 29 has been pretty damn good. I'm not ready for it to stop. Anyway, I figure I have another 5 years of passing for 29.
20 May 2008
Laughing Tantrum Release Therepy...I should try it
So, I've had a very testing and trying night with my children. They didn't want to eat what I made for dinner...so I made them something else, which they barely ate. AARGH! Of course, then, they are hungry, and want a snack. Which I won't let them have. So, I'm "Mean." I'm simultaneously taking care of them, arguing with them, answering the blackberry, cleaning out the fridge, and doing dishes...and I haven't eaten yet myself. All the while, they are fighting with each other. Because they're cranky. Because they didn't eat their dinner. And I won't give them a snack. Which makes me mean.
And Maddie needs me to do everything with her. Go Potty. Go get a doll from her room. Brush her teeth. I have to be next to her for everything. While I'm making food, cleaning the fridge, answering the blackberry, doing dishes and telling Peter to eat his dinner while he plays with legos. *SCREAMS*
So I put the kids in the bath...Maddie wants to brush her teeth, but not with the toothpaste in the bathroom, with the toothpaste in Peter's suitcase. But she won't go get it by herself. I snap. I refuse to go with her to get it out of the suitcase that's two rooms away (in my tiny 700 sq ft house everything is no more than two rooms away...) Tantrum ensues. I stick her in the tub anyway. More tantrum. I take her out, dry her off, put her jammies on her and put her in bed.
Both kids are hungry. But I won't give them a snack. I offer them their dinners, but that's not what they want. So I'm mean.
*SCREAMS*
I feel like a bad mom. I spent half the night being sharp or short with my kids. Maybe even yelled a couple times. But JESUS, can they listen? Can they let me sit for 2 minutes? I would have loved to have spent half the night sitting on the couch with them watching a movie...but I don't have time for that when I'm cooking two dinners, cleaning up after them, fighting with them over basic things like taking a bath. I'm so tired. I'm at my wits end.
Once I finally got two minutes to sit, I looked up my Free Will Astrology horoscope for this week:
It is uncanny how much this applies to me, and how much Free Will Astrology horoscopes tend to apply to my life.
Sigh. Don't mind me while I yell profanities for the next five minutes, then bust out laughing. I'm not crazy. I'm just practicing Laughing Tantrum Release Therepy.
And Maddie needs me to do everything with her. Go Potty. Go get a doll from her room. Brush her teeth. I have to be next to her for everything. While I'm making food, cleaning the fridge, answering the blackberry, doing dishes and telling Peter to eat his dinner while he plays with legos. *SCREAMS*
So I put the kids in the bath...Maddie wants to brush her teeth, but not with the toothpaste in the bathroom, with the toothpaste in Peter's suitcase. But she won't go get it by herself. I snap. I refuse to go with her to get it out of the suitcase that's two rooms away (in my tiny 700 sq ft house everything is no more than two rooms away...) Tantrum ensues. I stick her in the tub anyway. More tantrum. I take her out, dry her off, put her jammies on her and put her in bed.
Both kids are hungry. But I won't give them a snack. I offer them their dinners, but that's not what they want. So I'm mean.
*SCREAMS*
I feel like a bad mom. I spent half the night being sharp or short with my kids. Maybe even yelled a couple times. But JESUS, can they listen? Can they let me sit for 2 minutes? I would have loved to have spent half the night sitting on the couch with them watching a movie...but I don't have time for that when I'm cooking two dinners, cleaning up after them, fighting with them over basic things like taking a bath. I'm so tired. I'm at my wits end.
Once I finally got two minutes to sit, I looked up my Free Will Astrology horoscope for this week:
Free Will Astrology, May 21st:
CANCER (June 21-July 22): If you're normal, you periodically feel little surges of anger that you don't express. Over time they may accumulate into a mass of blind rage that can hurt innocent bystanders, damage your relationships, and tempt you to punch holes in walls. Is there a way to keep this from happening? Yes, there is: It's my patented Laughing Tantrum Release Therapy, a five-minute ritual that you perform once a week in a private place with no witnesses. For four minutes, you fume, seethe, curse, and yell. For the final 60 seconds, you compel yourself to laugh uncontrollably. This week would be an excellent time to start integrating Laughing Tantrum Release Therapy into your routine.
It is uncanny how much this applies to me, and how much Free Will Astrology horoscopes tend to apply to my life.
Sigh. Don't mind me while I yell profanities for the next five minutes, then bust out laughing. I'm not crazy. I'm just practicing Laughing Tantrum Release Therepy.
17 May 2008
Sigh. It's just a survey
1) Do you like blue cheese?
Sometimes...crumbled on a salad.
2) Have you ever smoked heroin
Hell no.
3) Do you own a gun?
All of mine shoot water.
4) What flavor do you add to your drink at sonic?
Given my guy's nickname, I could REALLY twist this around. ;P
5) Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
Not typically, but it depends on what I'm going to the doctor for.
6) What do you think of hot dogs?
I don't think of them, I don't eat them. But if you like to eat lips and assholes-by all means, go for it, eat a hot dog.
7) Favorite Christmas song?
White Christmas-the Bing Crosby version.
I've got a Boner for Christmas-Nerf Herder
8) What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Coffee
OJ if I've been drinking.
9) Can you do push ups?
I might be able to do a push up...once you pluralize it, probably not. Damn, I need to work out more.
10) Can you do a chin up?
I don't think I've tried since high school gym class. I didn't like them then either.
11) What's your favorite piece of jewelry
The vintage diamond ring I got when my Aunt Carrie passed away. It's the only thing I wear on a daily basis.
12) Favorite hobby?
As a single mom, I may have forgotten the meaning of the word "hobby." From what I recall, a "hobby" requires "spare time."
13) Ever been in a car wreck?
Yep. Never anything that damaged more than my car.
14)Do you have A.D.D.
Depends on which definition of A.D.D. you are using.
If you mean "AJs Dick Dependancy." Then, yes, I suffer immensely from ADD
16) Your full name?
ms.sinn will suffice. Anyone who needs to knows the rest.
17) Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment:
It's too early to be up.
I'm still tired.
It's AJ's fault.
18) Name 3 things you bought yesterday:
Kiddie swimming pool.
Fan
Movies to keep the kids occupied while I worked.
19) Name 3 drinks you regularly drink
Coffee, wine, tea
20) Current worry?
I'm not allowed to worry today. It's Saturday.
21) Current hate right now?
Aspects of my job, and the fact that I haven't gone after my ex for child support.
22)Can you speak any different languages?
Not well anymore. It's been 10 years since I practiced French, and no Spanish since high-school.
23) How did you bring in the New Year?
Cooked dinner for me and AJ, put the kids to bed, and we brought in the New Year with a bottle of wine...
24) where would you like to go?
Everywhere. Right now, I'd settle for a weekend away with my man.
25) Name three people who will complete this?
I'm not psychic this early in the morning.
26) Do you own slippers?
Yes. I have several pairs, but I never ever wear them. People should really stop buying me slippers.
27) What shirt are you wearing?
A purple tank top.
28) Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?
Never have. My grandma used to swear by sleeping on a satin pillow.
29) Can you whistle?
I grew up on a construction site-what do you think?
30) Favorite color?
Red
31) Would you be a pirate?
I'm more of a ninja type of gal.
32) What songs do you sing in the shower?
I don't sing in the shower.
33) Favorite girl's name?
Charlotte-one of Madeleine's middle names.
I also like Natalie, but I'm not having any more kids, so I'll have to save it for my next dog.
34) Favorite boy's name?
Let's go with Peter.
35)Whats in your pocket?
Umm. Awkward...uhhh-I'm wearing a tank top and underwear.
36) Last thing that made you laugh?
My honey's mom's blog. She's so funny. I have no idea where he gets it :P
37) Best bed sheets as a child?
Strawberry Shortcake?? I don't think we had very many character sheets.
38) Worst injury you've ever had?
I cut the tip off my pinky two years ago.
39) Do you love where you live?
I love being less than an hour from everywhere I'd want to be. I hate the cost of living, but I've not been able to convince myself to move since I got here six years ago.
40) How many TVs do you have in your house/apartment?
One.
42) How many dogs do you have?
None right now :(
43) Does someone love you?
Lots of people love me. I'm a lovable person. It's my modesty and humbleness they love.
44) favorite childhood memory?
Sundays at Grandma's house, making pizza, playing with all my cousins.
45) What are you currently reading?
Lightning by Dean Koontz (again)
Stack of magazines: BUST, Health, Ode, ReadyMade
New Cooking Light Cookbook
...And I've been meaning to dust off The Web That Has No Weaver, and get back on track with Chinese Medicine.
46) What is your favorite candy?
I really don't eat a lot of candy. Probably Starburst or Skittles.
47) Something you've learned recently?
I'm much more like my mother than I ever wanted to be, and I wish it would stop.
48) What song do you want played at your funeral?
Ask me when I'm dead.
49 What were you doing 12 AM last night?
Trying to watch a movie whilst falling asleep on the couch with AJ.
50) What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
Something I can't have until I have more alone time with my man. Sigh.
Sometimes...crumbled on a salad.
2) Have you ever smoked heroin
Hell no.
3) Do you own a gun?
All of mine shoot water.
4) What flavor do you add to your drink at sonic?
Given my guy's nickname, I could REALLY twist this around. ;P
5) Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
Not typically, but it depends on what I'm going to the doctor for.
6) What do you think of hot dogs?
I don't think of them, I don't eat them. But if you like to eat lips and assholes-by all means, go for it, eat a hot dog.
7) Favorite Christmas song?
White Christmas-the Bing Crosby version.
I've got a Boner for Christmas-Nerf Herder
8) What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Coffee
OJ if I've been drinking.
9) Can you do push ups?
I might be able to do a push up...once you pluralize it, probably not. Damn, I need to work out more.
10) Can you do a chin up?
I don't think I've tried since high school gym class. I didn't like them then either.
11) What's your favorite piece of jewelry
The vintage diamond ring I got when my Aunt Carrie passed away. It's the only thing I wear on a daily basis.
12) Favorite hobby?
As a single mom, I may have forgotten the meaning of the word "hobby." From what I recall, a "hobby" requires "spare time."
13) Ever been in a car wreck?
Yep. Never anything that damaged more than my car.
14)Do you have A.D.D.
Depends on which definition of A.D.D. you are using.
If you mean "AJs Dick Dependancy." Then, yes, I suffer immensely from ADD
16) Your full name?
ms.sinn will suffice. Anyone who needs to knows the rest.
17) Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment:
It's too early to be up.
I'm still tired.
It's AJ's fault.
18) Name 3 things you bought yesterday:
Kiddie swimming pool.
Fan
Movies to keep the kids occupied while I worked.
19) Name 3 drinks you regularly drink
Coffee, wine, tea
20) Current worry?
I'm not allowed to worry today. It's Saturday.
21) Current hate right now?
Aspects of my job, and the fact that I haven't gone after my ex for child support.
22)Can you speak any different languages?
Not well anymore. It's been 10 years since I practiced French, and no Spanish since high-school.
23) How did you bring in the New Year?
Cooked dinner for me and AJ, put the kids to bed, and we brought in the New Year with a bottle of wine...
24) where would you like to go?
Everywhere. Right now, I'd settle for a weekend away with my man.
25) Name three people who will complete this?
I'm not psychic this early in the morning.
26) Do you own slippers?
Yes. I have several pairs, but I never ever wear them. People should really stop buying me slippers.
27) What shirt are you wearing?
A purple tank top.
28) Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?
Never have. My grandma used to swear by sleeping on a satin pillow.
29) Can you whistle?
I grew up on a construction site-what do you think?
30) Favorite color?
Red
31) Would you be a pirate?
I'm more of a ninja type of gal.
32) What songs do you sing in the shower?
I don't sing in the shower.
33) Favorite girl's name?
Charlotte-one of Madeleine's middle names.
I also like Natalie, but I'm not having any more kids, so I'll have to save it for my next dog.
34) Favorite boy's name?
Let's go with Peter.
35)Whats in your pocket?
Umm. Awkward...uhhh-I'm wearing a tank top and underwear.
36) Last thing that made you laugh?
My honey's mom's blog. She's so funny. I have no idea where he gets it :P
37) Best bed sheets as a child?
Strawberry Shortcake?? I don't think we had very many character sheets.
38) Worst injury you've ever had?
I cut the tip off my pinky two years ago.
39) Do you love where you live?
I love being less than an hour from everywhere I'd want to be. I hate the cost of living, but I've not been able to convince myself to move since I got here six years ago.
40) How many TVs do you have in your house/apartment?
One.
42) How many dogs do you have?
None right now :(
43) Does someone love you?
Lots of people love me. I'm a lovable person. It's my modesty and humbleness they love.
44) favorite childhood memory?
Sundays at Grandma's house, making pizza, playing with all my cousins.
45) What are you currently reading?
Lightning by Dean Koontz (again)
Stack of magazines: BUST, Health, Ode, ReadyMade
New Cooking Light Cookbook
...And I've been meaning to dust off The Web That Has No Weaver, and get back on track with Chinese Medicine.
46) What is your favorite candy?
I really don't eat a lot of candy. Probably Starburst or Skittles.
47) Something you've learned recently?
I'm much more like my mother than I ever wanted to be, and I wish it would stop.
48) What song do you want played at your funeral?
Ask me when I'm dead.
49 What were you doing 12 AM last night?
Trying to watch a movie whilst falling asleep on the couch with AJ.
50) What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
Something I can't have until I have more alone time with my man. Sigh.
16 May 2008
I choose happy
Sigh.
So many parts of my life are awesome right now. Really. My guy is freakin' awesome, my kids are incredible, smart witty little people. I've had an incredible year, in fact, I like 29 so much, I've been thinking I should keep him around longer. Why ditch him just because 30 is waiting around the corner? Fuck 30. 30 will have to wait, I'm enjoying 29 far too much. I digress, I'll blog that one closer to the 1st Anniversary for me and good ol' 29.
Back to the subject, I've spent the last several months letting the small portion of my life that is frustrating, that I am unhappy with, bring me down. But really, I need to drop it. I can't let that part get me down. I need to change it, or live with it. But if I live with it, I need to not be merely complacent, I need to accept it.
This may be possible for part, but not all of the portion I'm unhappy with. But, instead of lamenting where I'm at, and allowing life to happen to me, I'm going to make my life happen. It's about time. I need to stop waiting for things to happen that I logically know will not. I need to make certain things happen-as painful as it may be in the short term, I don't want to be "here" in another 10 years.
I never thought I'd be 29 and still figuring it out, but hell, at least I am figuring it out. So, I choose happy.
So many parts of my life are awesome right now. Really. My guy is freakin' awesome, my kids are incredible, smart witty little people. I've had an incredible year, in fact, I like 29 so much, I've been thinking I should keep him around longer. Why ditch him just because 30 is waiting around the corner? Fuck 30. 30 will have to wait, I'm enjoying 29 far too much. I digress, I'll blog that one closer to the 1st Anniversary for me and good ol' 29.
Back to the subject, I've spent the last several months letting the small portion of my life that is frustrating, that I am unhappy with, bring me down. But really, I need to drop it. I can't let that part get me down. I need to change it, or live with it. But if I live with it, I need to not be merely complacent, I need to accept it.
This may be possible for part, but not all of the portion I'm unhappy with. But, instead of lamenting where I'm at, and allowing life to happen to me, I'm going to make my life happen. It's about time. I need to stop waiting for things to happen that I logically know will not. I need to make certain things happen-as painful as it may be in the short term, I don't want to be "here" in another 10 years.
I never thought I'd be 29 and still figuring it out, but hell, at least I am figuring it out. So, I choose happy.
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