11 September 2008
It's just been crazy. I left one job at the end of July, started a new one exactly one month ago today, Peter started school, both kids started new daycare. And with my new job came "Commuter Schedule."
5:30 am wake up. Hah. I really press snooze.
5:45 am really wake up. Shower, get dressed, put backpacks in car.
6:15 am put sleeping children in car
6:30 am drop kids off at their dad's
by 7:03 am get on caltrain
8ish am take Muni from the caltrain station to downtown SF, walk from Muni to my office
8:30 am enter my office.
WORK all day long
5:00 pm leave office, run to Muni station, take Muni to Caltrain
5:33 pm take Caltrain back to SJ
6:40 pm or so-drive to pick up the kids at the sitters
7:00 pm HOME (Finally)
And not like I really get to relax. The kids have homework, snacks, baths, reading, bedtime. I have to iron, make lunches, clean, get kids' backpacks ready...oh and eat. (Luckily the kids eat at the sitters.)
Life. Anyway. I'll blog for reals later.
01 July 2008
So, here it is, I've managed to be on this earth for nearly 30 years (Shh! Don't tell anyone I'm that old!) This is causing me to think about who I am, what I've done, what I'm doing, and who I want to be. Yeah, cuz remember back to when you were a kid and you thought that you'd have that all figured out by now-Ha! Then life comes along, takes you on a journey, with some incredible twists and turns that lead you somewhere other than where you expected to be.
And that's not a bad thing. Because, even if I'm not where I expected to be, I'm a better person than I ever could have imagined. I'm not saying I'm perfect by any means, just that I prioritize the people who are important, not the things that aren't. I, in my late 20s finally realized I liked who I was, and learned to be comfortable in my skin, and care less about the superficial thoughts of others. I am just me, no more, no less, maybe not who you expect, but me.
I learned to surround myself with people I am like, and/or want to be like, people who take me for who I am. People who make me want to be a better person. Much better than surrounding myself with people who expect me to act a certain way and live up to their idea of who they think I should be--instead of just paying attention to who I am. People who bring me down to make themselves feel better. Those people are no longer welcome in my life. That said, I know I haven't always made this easy on people. A rare handful truly get to see "me." Maybe it's those who bother to try.
So, with all this introspection, why am I not ready for 30? Well, 29 and I have had a great year. I'm not ready to end it with 29, to stop this dance, just because 30 is tapping on my shoulder. In my 29th year: My kids stopped being babies, and started being little people. I realized I met the love of my life. Fuck. I said it. In public. I will likely now get struck down by lightning. (Yeah, yeah. I met him before I turned 29...we didn't admit any of this "love" bs until much later.) I realized that before now, I have never truly loved anyone. I, after an 8 (or 9?) year sabbatical from school, figured out what I want to do with the rest of my life. (Practice Traditional Chinese Medicine.) And, instead of holding it in front of myself like a far-off dream, I'm figuring out how to do it. That's a step for me. I've started making life happen, instead of letting it happen.
So yeah, 29 has been pretty damn good. I'm not ready for it to stop. Anyway, I figure I have another 5 years of passing for 29.
20 May 2008
And Maddie needs me to do everything with her. Go Potty. Go get a doll from her room. Brush her teeth. I have to be next to her for everything. While I'm making food, cleaning the fridge, answering the blackberry, doing dishes and telling Peter to eat his dinner while he plays with legos. *SCREAMS*
So I put the kids in the bath...Maddie wants to brush her teeth, but not with the toothpaste in the bathroom, with the toothpaste in Peter's suitcase. But she won't go get it by herself. I snap. I refuse to go with her to get it out of the suitcase that's two rooms away (in my tiny 700 sq ft house everything is no more than two rooms away...) Tantrum ensues. I stick her in the tub anyway. More tantrum. I take her out, dry her off, put her jammies on her and put her in bed.
Both kids are hungry. But I won't give them a snack. I offer them their dinners, but that's not what they want. So I'm mean.
I feel like a bad mom. I spent half the night being sharp or short with my kids. Maybe even yelled a couple times. But JESUS, can they listen? Can they let me sit for 2 minutes? I would have loved to have spent half the night sitting on the couch with them watching a movie...but I don't have time for that when I'm cooking two dinners, cleaning up after them, fighting with them over basic things like taking a bath. I'm so tired. I'm at my wits end.
Once I finally got two minutes to sit, I looked up my Free Will Astrology horoscope for this week:
Free Will Astrology, May 21st:
CANCER (June 21-July 22): If you're normal, you periodically feel little surges of anger that you don't express. Over time they may accumulate into a mass of blind rage that can hurt innocent bystanders, damage your relationships, and tempt you to punch holes in walls. Is there a way to keep this from happening? Yes, there is: It's my patented Laughing Tantrum Release Therapy, a five-minute ritual that you perform once a week in a private place with no witnesses. For four minutes, you fume, seethe, curse, and yell. For the final 60 seconds, you compel yourself to laugh uncontrollably. This week would be an excellent time to start integrating Laughing Tantrum Release Therapy into your routine.
It is uncanny how much this applies to me, and how much Free Will Astrology horoscopes tend to apply to my life.
Sigh. Don't mind me while I yell profanities for the next five minutes, then bust out laughing. I'm not crazy. I'm just practicing Laughing Tantrum Release Therepy.
17 May 2008
Sometimes...crumbled on a salad.
2) Have you ever smoked heroin
3) Do you own a gun?
All of mine shoot water.
4) What flavor do you add to your drink at sonic?
Given my guy's nickname, I could REALLY twist this around. ;P
5) Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
Not typically, but it depends on what I'm going to the doctor for.
6) What do you think of hot dogs?
I don't think of them, I don't eat them. But if you like to eat lips and assholes-by all means, go for it, eat a hot dog.
7) Favorite Christmas song?
White Christmas-the Bing Crosby version.
I've got a Boner for Christmas-Nerf Herder
8) What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
OJ if I've been drinking.
9) Can you do push ups?
I might be able to do a push up...once you pluralize it, probably not. Damn, I need to work out more.
10) Can you do a chin up?
I don't think I've tried since high school gym class. I didn't like them then either.
11) What's your favorite piece of jewelry
The vintage diamond ring I got when my Aunt Carrie passed away. It's the only thing I wear on a daily basis.
12) Favorite hobby?
As a single mom, I may have forgotten the meaning of the word "hobby." From what I recall, a "hobby" requires "spare time."
13) Ever been in a car wreck?
Yep. Never anything that damaged more than my car.
14)Do you have A.D.D.
Depends on which definition of A.D.D. you are using.
If you mean "AJs Dick Dependancy." Then, yes, I suffer immensely from ADD
16) Your full name?
ms.sinn will suffice. Anyone who needs to knows the rest.
17) Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment:
It's too early to be up.
I'm still tired.
It's AJ's fault.
18) Name 3 things you bought yesterday:
Kiddie swimming pool.
Movies to keep the kids occupied while I worked.
19) Name 3 drinks you regularly drink
Coffee, wine, tea
20) Current worry?
I'm not allowed to worry today. It's Saturday.
21) Current hate right now?
Aspects of my job, and the fact that I haven't gone after my ex for child support.
22)Can you speak any different languages?
Not well anymore. It's been 10 years since I practiced French, and no Spanish since high-school.
23) How did you bring in the New Year?
Cooked dinner for me and AJ, put the kids to bed, and we brought in the New Year with a bottle of wine...
24) where would you like to go?
Everywhere. Right now, I'd settle for a weekend away with my man.
25) Name three people who will complete this?
I'm not psychic this early in the morning.
26) Do you own slippers?
Yes. I have several pairs, but I never ever wear them. People should really stop buying me slippers.
27) What shirt are you wearing?
A purple tank top.
28) Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?
Never have. My grandma used to swear by sleeping on a satin pillow.
29) Can you whistle?
I grew up on a construction site-what do you think?
30) Favorite color?
31) Would you be a pirate?
I'm more of a ninja type of gal.
32) What songs do you sing in the shower?
I don't sing in the shower.
33) Favorite girl's name?
Charlotte-one of Madeleine's middle names.
I also like Natalie, but I'm not having any more kids, so I'll have to save it for my next dog.
34) Favorite boy's name?
Let's go with Peter.
35)Whats in your pocket?
Umm. Awkward...uhhh-I'm wearing a tank top and underwear.
36) Last thing that made you laugh?
My honey's mom's blog. She's so funny. I have no idea where he gets it :P
37) Best bed sheets as a child?
Strawberry Shortcake?? I don't think we had very many character sheets.
38) Worst injury you've ever had?
I cut the tip off my pinky two years ago.
39) Do you love where you live?
I love being less than an hour from everywhere I'd want to be. I hate the cost of living, but I've not been able to convince myself to move since I got here six years ago.
40) How many TVs do you have in your house/apartment?
42) How many dogs do you have?
None right now :(
43) Does someone love you?
Lots of people love me. I'm a lovable person. It's my modesty and humbleness they love.
44) favorite childhood memory?
Sundays at Grandma's house, making pizza, playing with all my cousins.
45) What are you currently reading?
Lightning by Dean Koontz (again)
Stack of magazines: BUST, Health, Ode, ReadyMade
New Cooking Light Cookbook
...And I've been meaning to dust off The Web That Has No Weaver, and get back on track with Chinese Medicine.
46) What is your favorite candy?
I really don't eat a lot of candy. Probably Starburst or Skittles.
47) Something you've learned recently?
I'm much more like my mother than I ever wanted to be, and I wish it would stop.
48) What song do you want played at your funeral?
Ask me when I'm dead.
49 What were you doing 12 AM last night?
Trying to watch a movie whilst falling asleep on the couch with AJ.
50) What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
Something I can't have until I have more alone time with my man. Sigh.
16 May 2008
So many parts of my life are awesome right now. Really. My guy is freakin' awesome, my kids are incredible, smart witty little people. I've had an incredible year, in fact, I like 29 so much, I've been thinking I should keep him around longer. Why ditch him just because 30 is waiting around the corner? Fuck 30. 30 will have to wait, I'm enjoying 29 far too much. I digress, I'll blog that one closer to the 1st Anniversary for me and good ol' 29.
Back to the subject, I've spent the last several months letting the small portion of my life that is frustrating, that I am unhappy with, bring me down. But really, I need to drop it. I can't let that part get me down. I need to change it, or live with it. But if I live with it, I need to not be merely complacent, I need to accept it.
This may be possible for part, but not all of the portion I'm unhappy with. But, instead of lamenting where I'm at, and allowing life to happen to me, I'm going to make my life happen. It's about time. I need to stop waiting for things to happen that I logically know will not. I need to make certain things happen-as painful as it may be in the short term, I don't want to be "here" in another 10 years.
I never thought I'd be 29 and still figuring it out, but hell, at least I am figuring it out. So, I choose happy.
11 May 2008
08 May 2008
I'm not sure what that is...I guess I'm not GAP or LL Bean or frumpy enough?
Did someone complain, or is my boss just being preemptive, knowing she has a new boss coming in?
Or, I just work with jealous, flat-chested haters...
...now I must go. I apparently need to find long skirts, turtlenecks, and anything else I can wear to cover up my individuality in the workplace.
06 May 2008
First, I must say, that if ever in the lovely Tenderloin area of San Francisco, stop in at a little hole-in-the-wall-former-jazz-club called 222...not only are the music and atmosphere great (especially Friday night happy hour--shameless plug for DJ Brion) but the pizza is the best pizza I've ever nearly died for.
Seriously. I'd consider putting myself through the pain and suffering again just to taste the thinnest, most Italian crust ever tasted on American soil...topped with bleu cheese, pears, basil?...I am drooling...I loved every bite.
And paid for three-and-a-half days straight. The worst day being Monday. See, I'm smart: if I'm going to fuck my body up by eating mass quantities of wheat, I take it easy for a day or so... Saturday (all day) and Sunday (most of the day) I ate bland foods: rice, veggies, eggs, sushi...basic stuff. I was feeling okay.
Then I ate a steak for dinner on Sunday. With Cheesy potatoes. And a salad with cherry vinaigrette...and wine...and coffee.
Ohh. I was miserable. I paid. My body told me: "FUCK YOU! You think you can go gorge yourself on pizza, then try to make me digest a steak and cheesy potatoes. GO TO HELL, Bitch!"
Yup, no more wheat for me. Just say no. Don't let me do it. Smack me if I try.
Another day wondering how I ended up where I'm at. Pissed. That I AM where I'm at. And at myself for not changing it. There's a certain comfort in what you know. Even if it's not right. Even if it makes you angry, sad, cry, drink, and feel useless.
You know it. It's what you've known for years. It might be falling apart, but you're used to wearing it. Doesn't matter how many holes are in it, you just can't bring yourself to find a new one. But, no matter how much you love it, it doesn't love you back.
That's the danger with the evil you know.
23 April 2008
And it feels great. Great to be a part of something that could mean positive change in our country (for a change!). Great to know that this "Elitist" (pfft!) I support is running his entire campaign from contributions made by folks just like me. Folks who work hard for very little, who do the best to raise their families, folks who want to be heard by our government, and see that opportunity in Barack Obama.
While I've been clear about my support of Barack Obama since late 2007, this is the first time in my life I've felt the need to contribute to a political cause or campaign. So, thanks Senator Clinton. You may be proud of the contributions you received after Tuesday's primary in Pennsylvania, but know that for each person that gave you their money, there are three people just like me contributing to Senator Obama's campaign.
That is all. You may now go back to sucking the marrow out of newly born infants.
24 February 2008
14 February 2008
Yes WE can!
12 February 2008
Three weeks ago, after my ex dropped off the kids, my son was upset about his dad's choice of discipline for not eating breakfast. (Which, honestly, I don't agree with, but I didn't tell my son that. Anyway,I digress.)
So, Peter says to me (after his dad left): "He's just a pretend dad!"
Me: "What do you mean by that, Buddy?"
Peter: "You're my real owner" (ha) "You're the boss, he's not my boss, he only pretends!"
Me: "When you're at Daddy's house, he is the boss, I'm sorry buddy, that's just how it works. At his house you have to listen to him."
It's amazing how kids pick up on things. Peter isn't even five years old yet. Like I said, there's a part of me that hoped they wouldn't figure this out yet.
And a (very small) part of me that's glad they see how it is--makes me feel a bit more sane.
You are The High Priestess
Science, Wisdom, Knowledge, Education.
The High Priestess is the card of knowledge, instinctual, supernatural, secret knowledge. She holds scrolls of arcane information that she might, or might not reveal to you. The moon crown on her head as well as the crescent by her foot indicates her willingness to illuminate what you otherwise might not see, reveal the secrets you need to know. The High Priestess is also associated with the moon however and can also indicate change or fluxuation, particularily when it comes to your moods.
What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.
09 January 2008
Well, I'm just me, take it or leave it...but in case you were wondering, here some of my beliefs that set me apart from the typical female homosapien. (Also known by the scientific term: Crazy-ass Bitch.)
- I hate roses. It's true. Really. If you're stupid enough to waste you're money buying me roses, I won't even feign gratitude to spare your feelings. I will immediately throw them out.
- Valentine's Day is just another way for Hallmark to make its profit margin for the year. Don't worry about the fancy dinner, obviously not the roses, or even jewelry...My affection cannot be bought--it's not about how much money is spent one day a year, but the quality of time spent throughout the year. And on that note...
- Anniversaries are for people who are married. Yes, I typed it. Honey, you're off the hook. How do you determine an anniversary otherwise--the first time you met? --the first "real" date? --when you decided to call "it" something, or use titles? Jesus, how can any of us keep it straight? I'm lucky to remember my own birthday. This does not mean that I don't remember any special occasions, or have memorable moments with my man, but we can remind ourselves of those moments anytime. Why wait for once a year?
- Marriage is for knocked-up teenagers from 1950. Well, maybe that doesn't apply to you, and you have a future desire to get married. To each his own. (It worked for my parents--still married after almost 35 years, my grandparents--married for 53 years when my Grandpa passed away.) I just don't see the need to get married. There's no tax break (at least not for me as a single parent), you can put domestic partners on health insurance, you can specify any individual you want in a living will, will or trust (And even if you were married, your family could still fight it--i.e. Terry Schiavo.) So, why? What's the point?
And for those of you who insist upon getting married, just sign the damn pre-nup. If you really love the person "'Til death do you part" then what the hell is the difference?
And for naysayers who get the impression I'm dried up and bitter...Um, no. Several people in my past have tried to convince me marriage is a good idea--I even went so far as to wear a ring at one point, but I smartened up, pulled my head out of my ass, and realized it's not for me. I was happily single, and I'm currently in a great relationship with the hottest man alive who happens to share my beliefs. Yay.
- I will not carry a man's balls in my purse. Really. If you want to go out with your friends, and we have no prior commitment, then just let me know you're going--don't ask my permission. If you want to have a beer, have a damn beer. If you want to watch the game, watch the damn game.
The above statements only become a problem under these circumstances:
1) You constantly choose those options instead of or without ever including me.
2) You are not able to financially support yourself, or keep up with your family obligations. Notice how it says "your" not "mine."
Now you know a few wacky things about me, and as GI Joe always said, "Knowing is half the battle."
Take out the cruelty to animals piece for a bit--I'm not going totally PETA on you--I promise--I won't give up my leather boots for birkenstocks! (I'm also not saying it's okay to be cruel to animals, just that it's not the only or primary reason for my concern.) Just think about what you are putting in your body:
-Another animal's milk?
-Rotting, decomposing flesh?
-Rotting, decomposing flesh riddled with hormones, antibiotics, drugs
-The unfertilized egg of another species?
-Vegetables that are processed and full of fertilizers and chemicals.
Why do we need to eat these things? Because the government says we need a "well-rounded" diet of dairy, meats, vegetables, limited grains. No wonder, the dairy and meat, and agriculture industries make a lot of money for our government.
What does this mean for me? Awareness. No more walking through life blind to what I put in my body. Read ingredients, know what you're eating. Make it organic, less processed, no chemicals. Eat out less, cook whole foods at home instead. Can it be more expensive? Probably. But isn't my and my children's health worth it?